Negotiating Consent

Bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism…this is BDSM in a nutshell.

Though I don’t think it likes being in a nutshell. BDSM would get very grumpy were it in a nutshell.

The concept of BDSM is as an umbrella over a wide awry of concepts. GQ, of all publications, gives a very vanilla and beginner A-Z list of some BDSM concepts.

Can we be honest here? GQ is not the magazine you want to use for info on BDSM. On my scanning it, the one thing it does get right is the complete need for enthusiastic and knowledgable consent for those that practice any form of BDSM respectfully.


Seriously, though, go to Fetlife. In essence, it is the social media site for those practicing BDSM. You’ll find every possible fetish listed somewhere there, whether you like them or not. Everything as simple as guys who won’t get off unless the women they fuck are wearing boots right up to intricately negotiated contracts between doms and subs; it is all there.

And again, honest; your kink is not my kink. There will be kinks and fetishes you find that won’t interest you. If you’re like me, there will be some that even gross you out enough that you can’t click off of them fast enough.

This week’s Wicked Wednesday revolves around whether BDSM is or isn’t sex. The obvious answer is that it can be. BDSM is an umbrella and can be many things.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Bill Clinton

Take this quote that most of us know rather well. Was he lying or does President Clinton not consider fellatio to be sex?

My guess is that he was lying. However, with talk of how some use fellatio as a form of trade, is that sex, or is it currency?

BDSM as sex depends more on the perspective of those using it.

That’s it, really. Some might get off on taboo, power exchange, dominance, and submission. For others, they want pain inflicted upon them to help them feel something…anything. Others will use a fetish to bring them closer together, which may even lead to the actual physical act of more traditional sex.

Just depends on why they choose to practice it and what they’ve negotiated into it.

polyamory erotica blowjob Savannah

And there’s the hitch.

And it’s a big one.

Consent in these scenarios is rarely about absolutes. It is about trusting someone enough to know they will put the breaks on whatever actions you’ve agreed to once they hear the safe word.

Even this can be tricky when that person you trusted has a fetish that actually means they shouldn’t be trusted. The case of a certain CBC host comes to mind. He allegedly involved women in his fetish without asking for consent because doing it without consent was part of his fetish. It is an awkward and backward definition of his fetish that should have got him incarcerated. It did not, but that’s a discussion for another time.

That’s not BDSM, though.

BDSM is trust and consent first among all participating. Sex, taboo, getting off, pain, or whatever else all come later.


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